Friday, August 31, 2012

Fri, Aug 31, 2012: Balance

Balance... I would love to find it!  I went from having an unusually quiet and uneventful summer to suddenly being at work again, and it's strange to find that my time is no longer entirely my own anymore.  It feels pretty great to be back at work, though, and I wouldn't trade it!  I also recently started dating again, which is an adventure I haven't embarked on for several years now.   These sorts of life adventures are fun, but it can be difficult for me at times to juggle so many things at once and make sure that I am also setting aside some time to do the things that I love and that make me happy to be alive.

I know I haven't written much lately, and I miss it.  A lot.  I miss finding new places and seeing the world alternately through my own eyes and through my camera.  I've been having a lot of adventures, but not the kind that belong on this blog. :) 

The adventures that belong on this blog, though, are my very favorite kind of adventures: life adventures that see me off to new places, with new things to see and discover, new sensory information to be absorbed, new perspectives to be considered, always accompanied by the delicious excitement that comes with traveling.  Or, as it sometimes happens, adventures that bring me back to a place I've already visited and provide me with the opportunity to perceive it in a new way, the feeling of warmly greeting an old friend after years apart who still feels connected to my soul.

All I know is, there are some pretty special things happening this weekend, and I can't wait to get out and stretch my legs some as I cross this strange and beautiful state.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Sat, Aug 18, 2012: I Deserve

Over the course of the past several days, I have come to recognize how little credit I give myself for the wisdom and insights my spirit has gained over the course of the days I have spent having experiences and growing.  I'm not infallible by any means, but I think that I have lived many lifetimes before this one, which means that I have at times been the crone, the wise one, an individual experienced in life.  Why do I feel that someone else either holds the answer for me, or can somehow access a secret source of answers that I am unable to tap into?

For so long, I have spent my energy trying to juggle all of the advice given to me by people who I respect, in the hopes that over time the words and sentiments would come together and form some sort of digestible nugget of wisdom.  Instead of coalescing, though, they were maddeningly confusing!  Several days ago, in a moment of ultimate frustration, I basically told off all the strings of advice repeating and tangling themselves in my head, and shooed them out my ears.  I suddenly became aware of how clear and clean my head space felt, and how loud the voice of my intuition rang out in my thoughts.  Why is it suddenly so clear?, I wondered, and as I thought about it I came to realize that it's because the strongest voice in my head was my own voice, instead of all of the voices of others.  Previously, with everyone else's words muddying up my head, it was almost like the dial on the radio being slightly off so that my favorite song was overwhelmed by static.  I could try to sing despite the static, but the static continued to be distracting and unwelcome and my voice just didn't harmonize as well with the music.

As this became clear to me, I was saddened by my lack of faith and trust in my own wisdom.  This feeling tied into a sort of revolution that has been washing over me for some time now: the feeling that I Deserve.  All of us deserve wonderful things from life, and for some reason I think that I have been holding them at arm's length away from me, feeling like I am not worthy.  I felt that I was not worthy of being wise and respecting my intuition.  This revolution is changing that.  Without so much static on my inner radio station, I can clearly understand how much I deserve my own respect, how much I deserve to be trusted by myself, how much I deserve the good and beautiful things that life has to offer to all of us.

Recognizing that these two things (being muddied up by everyone else's voices, and feeling like I was not worthy) were competing so hard against me in my head absolutely halted me in my tracks.

Wow.  There is a lot of work inside of myself that I look forward to doing.  I love how good I feel after choosing to cast out all that conflicting advice, even though I had no idea that confusion and frustration would lead to feeling so wonderful.  I have come to feel that I deserve nothing less.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Fri, Aug 10, 2012: Tiny Ritrot

There is a family of brave rabbits that lives around my new apartment complex.  Up until this point, I have only seen the adults.  When I walk by, their warm brown eyes watch me with calm alertness and feeling of safety that if they needed to, they could easily run to safety and be protected from me.

As a child, my parents used to sometimes call rabbits "ritrot" (pronounced like rit-rot).  I'm guessing that word came from my sister's or my inability to pronounce "rabbit" at some point in our lives, but it's stuck with me.  When I see the rabbit family munching on the sweet green grass, I usually whisper "Hi, ritrot" as I walk by.

Today, I had a special treat.  I returned from the store (where I had to buy a replacement for the quick release plate that went missing at some point from my tripod) to see a tiny baby bunny sitting near the bush where its parents usually hang out.  The rabbit was so tiny, it could have fit in my hands.  I just sat in my car for a while and watched it, unimaginably delicate, all alone there on the lawn.

There is something about nature that brings out the child in me, which is one reason that I love spending time outside.  I love feeling connected to that child, who was in turn more connected to the pulses of nature than I have ever been as an adult.

"Hello, tiny ritrot," I said, and then I asked it in my mind if it wouldn't mind hanging out there for a minute or two so I could run and grab my camera.

When I came back out, it had moved a little further onto the open lawn, a beautiful soft brown in a vibrant green nest.  I was able to snap a couple of quick pictures before it became suspicious of the giant creature with the weird black camera machine and bolted to hide under its bush home.    
Thanks for sharing a tiny piece of nature with me, tiny ritrot. :)

This weekend... my friend and I are going camping, and I hope to catch a meteor from the Perseids on camera (hence, the need for the replacement quick release plate!).  Even if they elude me, I can't wait to experience the meteor shower.  Apparently we will have an extra treat as well, as Jupiter, Venus, and a crescent moon will dance together in the eastern sky early Sunday morning.  The last time they were aligned, they called me back to Colorado from New Orleans, hovering in a harmonious line to the west.  I can't wait to see that beautiful grouping once again.

It's been too long since I was humbled by the stars.