Tues, Jan 3, 2012: My Door Faces North

I am in the process of moving, in the hopes that a bit of space between B and I will help us to resolve things, however they need to be resolved so that we can both be happy with our lives.  All I know is, I've felt for a long time like I can't breathe, like I've been struggling not to drown and not doing a very good job of it.

Now, I feel like I have broken through the surface of the water and am gasping for air.  The breathing hurts, but the pain lets me know that I am still alive, and alive is a feeling I have not had the pleasure of experiencing in way too long.  So I'll take the pain, because it feels good to have the air on my wet skin again, and the sun shining down on me so hard that I have to squint to filter out some of its brilliance, and I can feel the waves and currents of the water tugging at my limbs, deliciously inviting me on to adventures I never imagined.

Everything is okay.

I spent today moving the first of my things into my place, and felt so terribly disoriented in space that I really didn't know if I was strong enough to do this.  So, I intentionally inserted my voice into the wild whirring of my busy mind, and said to myself, "My door faces North."

And somehow, that was all it took to make me feel grounded and make me feel okay.

My door faces North.  My windows face West, toward the beautiful mountains and the sunset.  The sunset light filters through a pine tree outside my bedroom and paints my bedroom wall with an intricate lace of sunlight and tree shadows.  I have a fireplace, a balcony, and a really fun exposed brick wall that makes the living room feel like it's half made of Legos.

My door faces North... and I'm happy to be breathing again.