Wed, Mar 10, 2010: Reflexive Happiness

I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about joy, and find it funny that I somehow came to the conclusion that applying my brain to it will crack it open, brimming with promise, and warm sunlight will pour its way over my soul and into my heart. I'm not unhappy with my life, but I'm also not living in a joyful state. I'm working through what I can do to fix this.

The day before yesterday, B said that somewhere along the line between being a child and being an adult, we lose the ability to let go of the things that upset us and just be happy. It's one of my favorite things he has ever said to me, because he doesn't often share pieces of his philosophy. (and by the way, I'm just going to start calling him "B" here instead of constantly referring to him as "my boyfriend" which just sounds awkward when repeated often enough...). It's true, and it again goes back to a comment my sister made to me some time ago about taking a lesson from a dog and just being happy.

I find myself struggling with this constantly, and have written about it multiple times in this blog. Based on the rates of crime, suicide, and abuse, among many other things, I imagine that letting go and being joyful is something that many others struggle with as well.

I refuse to believe that living in an un-joyful state is the way we were meant to live. As spirits choosing to be reincarnated, did we choose to come back because we were really psyched about having a 9 to 5 career? Did we miss traveing in rush-hour traffic? Did we want to hold a grudge against our parents for making us eat our vegetables, or not understanding what we went through when we were 11? Did we want to spend every day wishing it was Friday, or wake up every morning with the first sound in our heads being that little upset voice crying in dismay that it's just another work day?

It's the moments in between the "usual" and "normal" that I feel are the reasons I came back to life. I find myself continuing to say "I want to go home" lately, and this time I think it means that I want to go back to wherever it is that my spirit family exists, just to exist in pure joy with them even for a moment, just to remind my spirit why I came here.

In my days, I revel in the happiness of singing a song I love in the car, even if it is on the way to work. I delight in feeling the sun on my shoulders on a cold winter morning as I walk between buildings at work. I savor the taste of food. I release my brain in a moment of laughter.

In high school, I wrote a poem containing a phrase that has become my favorite incident of stringing two words together. That phrase is "reflexive happiness". Reflexive happiness is how I would define Joy. I was searching for it then, and I continue to search for it now. I don't, however, remember searching for it when I was 4, or 8, but possibly when I was 11.

Who says being older makes you wiser?