Thursday, March 26, 2009

Tues, Apr 1, 2008: I Give Up!

((Present Day: ...Another piece of the circle. I'm planning on heading to California for Spring Break this year, so hopefully I will have a lot of beauty to share when I return!

My "car drama" came full-circle today: I was rear-ended during this blizzard we're having and my bumper was shattered. The odd thing is that my bumper still had a hole punched out of it from where a driver hit me and drove away last January. Every time I see that hole, I think to myself, "The only way that's going to get fixed is if someone else hits my bumper and their insurance company buys me a new one".... I really need to monitor my thoughts more closely!))

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Happy April Fool’s Day!!

As I stated in my previous blog, I have been holding off on writing because I am hesitant to write "we" and "us" blogs involving the guy I am dating. I have decided that it’s no use holding myself to this, because as much as I enjoy this blog being about me and my personal evolution, he has become an important person in my life. Not involving him here will serve only to make it seem like my life has ended when it has only become more full and rounded.

He lives up in Boulder and I live just west of Denver, which gives us a "hugely long" commute of 30 minutes if we want to see each other. I don’t have many pictures of things we have done together, mostly because I feel dorky whipping out my camera every 2 minutes in front of someone else to take pictures. Oh well, he’ll just have to get used to it, as will I. Though I have not been writing much about the things we have done, my internal amazement over this place has not diminished any. We have visited Lookout Mountain in Golden and found the best smoothie place in the entire state, driven through Superior and Longmont which are small towns outside of Boulder, wandered around some in Boulder of course, ate delicious Tibetan food in Nederland at a restaurant owned by the friend of a friend, and took a weekend road trip to Steamboat Springs and Glenwood Springs where our nostrils were treated to the... delicate... smells of sulfuric gasses exhaling from the Earth’s crust. I think that we would be doing more if the weather were more cooperative, but it’s definitely nice to curl up and watch old TV shows on DVD (Firefly!).

It’s been very strange for me, having my adventures shift tracks with such conviction. Since arriving in Colorado I have spent my days exploring this place, digging myself into the surface so that my rootless limbs won’t be blown away by the strength of the chilled mountain winds. Now my days are spent exploring with another person, able to process my thoughts out loud and have someone else’s brain around to contribute to the running conversations in my head.

I never thought I would miss being single, but I do! It’s been so wonderful having these past months entirely to myself, devoting all the time in the world to doing exactly what I wanted to do. Having the time and space and freedom to think and process my life at my leisure has been a wonderful gift. I’m glad that I had that time to myself to be entirely self-centered in; however, there are many wonderful things about being with someone, and I think that for me those things are necessary for my personal evolution. I find it possible to be at ease and at peace with myself when I am single, but this process becomes more difficult when a romantic relationship is added into my life. Then things like compromise and communication come into play, things that I don’t have to worry about much when it’s just me by myself flowing wherever my thoughts take me. The good thing for me is that the person I'm seeing likes this about me, that I enjoy freedom and independent thought and adventures. This, added on to the fact that I have discovered these things are such an integral part of who I am, helps me to see that these things are possible in a relationship. It’s just a matter of seeing how to let them all work together.

I can’t wait for this weekend! This week is my Spring Break from school, and we are taking a 4-day road trip down to New Mexico. I’ve never been there and am ridiculously excited. I am in the midst of planning our trip and keeping my fingers crossed that the weather will be nice (which, by the way, makes typing very difficult!).

Monday, March 23, 2009

Mon, Mar 23, 2009: Coincidences Out My Ears!

Ever since my friends called to tell me about the message from the random girl in the mall, my life seems like a non-stop series of coincidences.

I began thinking, once I spoke to my friends, that perhaps traveling around the Pacific Northwest isn't the best thing to be doing early this summer, since it has nothing to do with meeting people here (plus, it will be an even cooler thing to do with company!). Which means that there's no awesome end to my road trip to Connecticut (I thought it would be cool to just keep driving past Colorado all the way to the other coast on my way home from CT). I spoke to my parents the next day, and they offered to pay for my flight to CT before I even mentioned traveling. So now I get to spend more time visiting, less time driving, and more time in Colorado. I've been thinking about it quite a bit lately... this summer marks my 2 year anniversary in the state, and I still haven't hiked a 14er, or gone for a backpacking trip... why do I want to go to Washington state when I haven't even finished exploring Colorado? Yes, I miss trees and rain and the ocean, but I want to pour my heart into Colorado while I'm here. Plus, as far as I know, Washington isn't going anywhere. :)

That's just one, there are so many that I can hardly even remember them to write them down: going to the library and finding out that the book I want is only available at a branch in Arvada which happens to be near a used book store that I wasn't going to visit because it's a bit of a drive... but ended up visiting since I was there for the library anyways; randomly thinking of a book at the bookstore and it ends up being the next book that I touch; reciting the lyrics to a song in my head and it's the next song that comes up on my ipod (my ipod has like 6,000 songs on it... it was on shuffle).... They're just little coincidences but they're falling around me like rain; everywhere I look there's something that's meaningfully connected to something else in my life.

I don't know how long I will fly in this groove, or even exactly how I got here in the first place, but it's a fun place to live. I wonder what changed in me to shift me?

(There's been some kinda funny lame coincidences too... like that as soon as I get my bike, the weather changes and it's supposed to snow!)

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Sun, Mar 22, 2009: Trevor the Vampire Mountain Bike

Just a tiny post... but an important one! Ever since moving out here, I've wanted to purchase a bike. And today, I finally did! His name is Trevor the Vampire, in honor of one of my favorite Strong Bad emails.

Here is a picture of the type I bought, from

I can't wait to ride it...!!! I'm hoping this will help me to conquer my fears of falling, getting hurt, heights, and speed. Ooh 4 in 1!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Sat, Mar 21, 2009: Grassy Golden Hills and Greetings from the Universe

I feel fresh and clean on the first full day of Spring as I sit here post-hike, my hair wet and my skin smelling of soap. My friends and I went to White Ranch Park, an open-space area in my town. Please permit me to express once again how much I LOVE living in Golden! It's so easy and quick to head into the mountains that I have no excuse not to do so. I'm finally taking full advantage of my location in this crazy beautiful state and I don't plan to stop in the near future.

I found out a couple of days ago that the school psych positions in my current district are being "restructured", and that probationary psychs (I am in that category) are welcome to reapply for the job if they wish - meaning that I may or may not have a job in my current district next year. I have found myself wondering if life is releasing me from this place by ending relationships and cutting work ties. I've been wondering if it's time for me to move on, and I have felt very strongly connected to Washington state lately. Then I realized... I don't want to move yet!! My parents recently gave me money to buy a mountain bike as an early birthday present, and I can't wait to purchase a bike and get dirty! I'm close enough to a few hiking trails that I would be able to ride my bike to them, or to my dance class downtown, or to the library, or rec center, or the grocery store, or Clear Creek trail.... Basically, it comes down to the fact that I haven't even been able to tap into everything awesome about living in Golden yet, so why would I move now just as those things are beginning to fall into place?! Ooh I get to bike to the farmer's market too starting in June!

Anyways, back to White Ranch Park. Today was absolutely beautiful, warm and partly cloudy so that bands of light and shadow played across our views of the hills and distant prairie. I love the company of my friends and was in unsinkably good spirits all day (more on that later...)

The hills all around Golden basically look like this:

There was a canyon to our west and north with some interesting rock shapes that interacted beautifully with the sun and shadows:

There was an area of the trail that had been allegedly involved in a controlled burn a few years earlier. There was strong evidence of fire in the charcoal-crusted trunks and lower branches of the pines, as well as the bright yellow needles left among their crowns. The path was covered in a soft black soot, and even the yucca plants were reduced to charred stumps. Were they truly involved in a burn? Or does this evidence point to foul play? Tune in at 9 for the latest coverage:

Another photograph of the burn area. My friend pointed out that it would be a great place to film a horror movie.

Another view of the dry golden grass and pines. It smelled like late summer today with the sun toasting the grass, releasing the scent of dried hay.

And here is the reason for my buoyant spirits today: shortly after the guy I used to date and I broke up, I went to see the dowser who I had visited back in September of 2008 at the Denver Metaphysical Fair. I didn't intend to talk about relationships at all, and it turned out that our appointment was coincidentally a couple of days after the breakup. When I saw her the first time in September, she talked to me about my soul mate and one of the things she told me is that I will meet him in June. When I saw her again in February, she said this is still the case - which is far less painful to hear now as June is only a couple of months away. I'm bad at waiting... maybe that's why I'm being asked to wait for him.

Last night there was a psychic fair at a metaphysical store near one of my old neighborhoods in Denver. I wasn't planning on going but ended up heading over for a reading to get some perspective on my job and living situations. Just as I arrived at the store, I noticed that I missed a call a few minutes earlier from two of my friends who I haven't talked to in a long time. I had my reading done at the fair, and though it wasn't my intent to talk about love she said that I do have a new relationship coming in June. I felt so happy after hearing this confirmation. (She also told me that I've had to wait so long because it takes quite a guy to get a girl like me... aww. That was even after I paid her. :P ).

After I left, I returned my friends' call. It turns out that one of my friends was at the mall and a random girl walked up to him and started talking to him. One of the things that she said is that he has a friend out west who is going to meet a blond angel soon. The only friend out west they could think of is me - and I flipped out on the phone and shared with them what the dowser had told me (among the things she said are that he is blond and was formerly an elemental). We ended up with our hairs standing on end as we talked about this, and I literally felt like there was a bolt of electricity running down my spine.

My friend commented that it's kind of strange that I am receiving all these messages about my one showing up - because usually a person's soul mate just shows up without being announced. She suggested that maybe the universe is giving me these messages because I've waited for so long for him - as in, don't give up, he's coming soon! I think this is a possibility as I am well aware of my impatience, that "let's do it NOW!" quality that makes my life pretty interesting but also makes me crawl out of my skin if I can't do something the instant I want to do it. Maybe I'm learning to be more patient. All I know is, I find this very interesting (of course I do, it's my life!) and I'm very much looking forward to meeting this person... Haha, all these messages remind me of a fairy tale, scrolls and fanfares preceding the arrival of the important person. He's certainly taking his royal time about it. :P

Monday, March 16, 2009

Mon, Mar 16, 2009: The Sky is Falling...

Yesterday I headed up to Nederland to purchase some stones for my apartment (I attempted to employ some ideas from feng shui when I moved into this place. Most of the areas feel pretty good to me, but some are still kind of off and I'm hoping to balance them with gemstones). Of course, I took the long way home and wound down the canyon on Rt. 7 towards Boulder. A male mule deer with giant antlers branching from his head stood at a fence watching traffic go by - and by traffic, I mean me. I was startled from my thoughts when I saw his deep brown eyes staring at me, startled into an awareness of sorts as my mind had been wandering. The words I was thinking at the instant I became aware of his presence were, "drawing circles on your skin with my fingers". I was thinking about relationships, and I realized... dude, you need to get out of your head more often....

This evening I drove into the mountains to a big mountain plain, and watched the sunset unfold around me. The light faded until I could see stars dripping through the sunset fabric like rain through leaves: thick and heavy, slow and graceful. I lay in the grass soaked with starlight and contemplated the beautiful tininess of my existence. It's so strange to look inward and feel the massive universe of life inside of me, and then open my eyes to the infinitely more massive universe outside of me. Laying in the grass while my heart soared with the stars wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I told myself I had to get out of my head more often.... I wish my one would come so I can draw circles on his skin with my fingers and hold his hand while the stars rain on us.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Sat, Mar 14, 2009: Frasier Snowshoeing

Today I went snowshoeing with a big group again, mostly random people who I didn't know at all. The beautiful sun was relentless and the blue sky burned itself into my retinas. Shaggy silhouettes of pine beetle ravaged trees interrupted the space between my eyes and the sharp outlines of the brilliant snowy mountains. We blazed a new trail back to the car through a somewhat open path in the trees, leaving my heart beating a steady loud rhythm that rattled my ribcage.

A happy early St. Patrick's Day to you from crane 5, strand 10. I'm not sure why I enjoy St. Patrick's day as I'm one of the snakes he would have chased out of the country... perhaps it's just because I like green and Ireland.

I sit here in a tank top getting ready for a gathering this evening, my hair long enough to brush softly against my shoulders and collar bone for the first time in years. Shoulders and collar bone are among the best places to be touched softly, and my eyes keep slanting downward towards the dark brown strands as my mouth curves into a playful smile of enjoyment. The curves that circumnavigate my smile are running a riot of exploration across my face today as I savor the positive feelings in my heart. Thank you for white aspen fingers streaking through sapphire blue sky, freckles on my shoulders, friends and family, the tangy scent of my herb garden liberated by the sun...

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Thurs, Mar 12, 2009: Lights Will Guide You Home...

Sometimes during my lunch time at work, I bring up pieces of my blog. This helps me to keep the lessons that I've learned circulating in my thoughts, and makes me excited for new places and adventures, or exploring old places more deeply.

Today I brought up my entry from September 22, 2008, and refreshed myself on paragraphs about liberating myself from fear and having faith in the universe. I stumbled upon the perfect lesson reminding me one piece of perspective that I'm lacking in my outlook right now, and found it funny that back when I wrote those words there were no rocks in my path, no washed out road, no flocks of vultures circling overhead as they waited for me to collapse. (not that there are now, I just like the imagery). It's so easy to have faith and trust when everything's peachy keen.

It's funny to read about trust in my blog, then realize that my trust in the universe is so conditional. "Hey universe, I completely trust you as long as you do things the way I think they should be done. Otherwise, I don't understand what's going on so how about if you just have things make sense for me, ok?" Except for my more enlightened moments, I seem mostly able to focus on the losses - the end of exploring a possibility with a man, the possible end of my current job, etc. My cousin pointed out to me that perhaps these things are happening in order to make me completely free from this place - as in, possibly it's time for me to move elsewhere and now there's nothing holding me back. But there is, and it's the ties I've made with the people whom I love here. It would be very difficult to leave my friends, and I have no idea if I'm "supposed to" leave or not - or if I want to leave right now.

So today, I say to the universe "Hey universe? Do with me what you will, because that's what you're going to do anyways. So how about if you show me some possibilities to explore, and I will do my best to recognize your suggestions".

Mastering the lesson of releasing fear and trusting the universe = EPIC FAIL. Something to work on getting better at. :)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Tues, Mar 10, 2009: Salsa, Feminism, & Independence

This is a random thought that has been kicking around in my head all day and amusing me, so I thought I would share it. I went salsa dancing with a couple of friends on Sunday night, and I found myself irritated while dancing. This has happened during previous salsa outings, and I've often wondered how it's possible for me to have such a fun time, spend the evening laughing, and still have this hum of irritation peppered with indignation in my head.

Last night I finally figured it out, and the answer sets a little part of me off giggling each time it surfaces in my thoughts - because the imp in my soul finds the fact that I would feel this to be hilarious. So here it is: I feel irritated when I salsa dance because I resent having some strange man telling my body what to do! While I love dancing, I have never loved dancing with other people, and I think this is entirely due to the fact that I don't like having anyone "lead" me.

The fun of dancing to me is the freedom to allow my body to move however it wants to music, and these movements come to me so easily and naturally that I don't have to think about them. I think it's the opposite way for my friends, who say that they enjoy salsa because they don't have to think: they can relax into the man's lead and just let go. I find it funny that it affects me in a different way than it affects them.

This train of thought set me off on a tangent thinking about feminism. I have always found it kind of funny that some women who take pride in being feminists make sure that, by the time you part company with them, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are feminists. Does declaring one's self a thing make it true? Not in my book... the whole "actions speak louder than words" bit. To me, feminism doesn't mean listening to Ani full-blast (who I love) or hating on stay-at-home moms (who I also love). To me, a big part of feminism is independence and empathy, confidence to stand up for your beliefs and to believe that your voice is worthy of being heard. Part of being a feminist for me is being proud of what makes us unique as women. Obviously there's a lot more to it than that, but to me those are some of the pieces that have real-life applications; the pieces which enable women to be strong, make changes, thrive, and follow their own paths through life.

(let me say that I don't think my friends fall short on independence just because they enjoy letting a man lead them in salsa dancing. They are a couple of intelligent, powerful women who I wouldn't want to mess with! That's one of the reasons why I love them. They make the choice to relax into a responsive role, instead of a lead role - they make the choice. I guess I haven't decided to make that choice yet. Now that I'm aware of the source of my irritation, perhaps I can decide to make that choice next time too! :) ).

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Thurs, Mar. 5, 2009: Have to put up with a few tears if you're going to peel the Onion...

A few members of the administration of the district where I work have been let go. We had a celebration for one such person today after school. I wished that I could put my heart into celebrating one last afternoon with her, into appreciating the time and efforts that she has put into teaching me and helping me to grow... but I found myself completely numb.

Life has been passing deep into my emotions lately, from the breakup to my financial situation, the possible impending end of my job in the district where I currently work (and the stress of my co-workers who may lose their jobs), news of co-workers' parents becoming ill, students' parents passing away.... At the gathering, my soon-to-be-former supervisor turned to me and said, "oh, your little face, it looks like" and proceeded to make this sad and worried face. I couldn't see myself, but it was probably true.

I consider myself to be a pretty strong person - I think that I often come off as a sweet pushover to people who I don't know very well. (perhaps that's not the case, but that's my best guess). I find this funny because I tend to be pretty neutral and diplomatic with people until I come to know and trust them a great deal - unless I encounter them under circumstances that bring out other pieces of me. My family knows what's in my core better than anyone else, and I know for a fact none of them would ever describe me as sweet or a pushover! Many people don't see the strong advocate in me, the sarcastic retorts, the mischief, the determination. These thoughts circle back to my "Thoughts from an Onion" blog last year... I find it odd that there are these cycling patterns in my blogs. Anyways, I think it takes a lot to bring me to a place where I can't bend any further in the wind. I think I've reached that point. I'd like to learn how to increase my pliability, rather than face the possibility of breaking. At times I'm able to feel a positive outlook deep in my bones, and at times I find myself feeling overwhelmed by the feelings I'd rather not have: fear and worry.

I have spent some time wondering why this breakup is still difficult for me, and realized that I think it gets harder to break up as I come closer and closer to finding what I want. I find myself wishing that there was some truth to the memory erasing process in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Memories continue to rise up unbidden to slap me in the face. I continue to send my hopes of finding my one into the universe.

Ok, enough about my insides. Back to adventures. My senbazuru adventure is currently on strand 8. I love the strings of colorful birds, and it gives me great pleasure to know that they were created by my hands. I can't wait to display them when they're done!

If you ever have a chance, drive down the west end of Belleview towards Morrison. It's one of my favorite streets I've had the opportunity to travel in this city. The houses are situated on large plots of land, there are several well-maintained barns, and one house even has a lighthouse tower on top of it. It almost reminds me of Connecticut. :)