I haven't gone for a long drive for a while now, and am very deeply looking forward to the experience.
With regards to this blog, my hesitation about people out here has lessened considerably since I found a group of friends with whom I feel entirely satisfied and entirely myself. I also just took a moment to think that I'd probably have quite a time finding friends anywhere, not just in Colorado. I chalk that up to the disconnect between what I look like and who I am inside, as well as the truth of who I am inside versus what I choose to express to others. Throw in factors like others' perceptions of me multiplied by their abilities to see beyond the surface, and it just becomes this big, disconnected mess for one to sift through before finding the grains of truth floating around in the rubble. I guess it just takes time to find people who are either insightful enough to see through me but not past me, or patient enough to pursue the grains.))
12-21 through 12-27
I have 2 weeks off from work, and decided to spend one week back in Connecticut visiting family and friends, and one out here in my new home doing what it is I do here. My head is filled with thoughts and is churning them at a furious rate, so I'm going to do this blog a bit differently. Pictures come first, thoughts second. (I have also been up since 3:45 this morning, so I'm guessing this won't be my best work...).
I left sunny Colorado on a Friday (which I took off from work... then later learned that's totally taboo), and took this picture from the airplane to show my family that Colorado really is completely flat until all of a sudden the mountains stick up.
I was greeted by gloomy New England winter weater:
and (if you compare it to the tree we have at our house here) a REAL Christmas Tree!
I got to see some of my friends from high school, Becky, Chris, and Nora, and of course my family. Hmm, what to talk about first. How about my ex, who contacted me shortly before I left for the holidays, telling me how sorry he is for the way he treated me and telling me that he'd like to become friends again if I'd be willing. After exchanging emails back and forth for a while, I finally told him to go away. There was a time in my life when I had amazing feelings for him, but that time passed when he yanked the rug out from under me and didn't even watch to see if I fell, let alone hold out a hand or catch me. So that's that.
Another thing I have been spending a great deal of time thinking about is a conversation that I had with Becky and Chris about the atmosphere out here in Colorado. This conversation was fantastic for me because I have been thinking some things about life out here, but have not been able to firm up the thoughts enough to put words to them. I think that maybe because they have each other, as well as the friends with whom they traveled when they came out here, perhaps it's been easier for them to figure out what the different feeling is because they could bounce their thoughts off each other. Out here, people are obsessed with all things new, and old things seem to just get plowed under to make way for something shiny and plastic. This seems to be the case with music, art, construction... you can even see it in the way the city is expanding, with the neighborhoods that are so planned, they pave the roads before the houses go up. I don't know if I just haven't found that niche out here that appreciates old things and old ways, or if it doesn't exist at all.
They explained that New England seems to have more room within society for different types of people. People are no less accepting of others out there versus here, but perhaps they are more tolerant. Out here in Colorado, most people that I have met are pretty much the same, and deep, meaningful connections seem to be few and far between.
I miss the country. I miss having a big backyard and trees. It was so amazing to drive around and see all the trees back in Connecticut - and even in Rhode Island, where I used to think the trees looked so puny, stunted by the ocean winds. But when I was there during this visit, I couldn't take my eyes off them. The pines out here in the mountains are nice, but they can't hold a candle to the diversity of trees in New England.
So now I'm freaking out again, about not belonging here, and not wanting to belong here. I don't want to turn into one of these people who is like, "Hey! I'm from Colorado! I like hiking and skiing." ... and that's all they have to say. I may withold my thoughts at times, but they're always there, flying around in my head. Do I belong here? Am I wasting my time living somewhere I'm not meant to be? I have no idea! And it scares me to death. I don't like uncertainty in my life, not like this. But, now that I know some words to put to the feelings I have been having about my experience out here, do I *want* to fit in here? I'm having a hard time with that.
And finally, couples. They are everywhere. Seeing my sister and her husband, my parents, Becky and Chris, couples reuniting at the airport or traveling together, made me ache for what I am missing. I absolutely love having a relationship and a best friend to love and share thoughts and adventures with, and it hurts to see other people having what I want and me being nowhere close to having it. On the plane back home today, it occurred to me that perhaps part of the reason I want a relationship so much right now is that it would help me decide what to do with myself and where to live. It would relieve me of that pressure, because there would be someone else to decide with. That is obviously not the only reason, but I think it's part of the equation. I don't understand what I'm so afraid of. The energy of the land out here feels so good, and it's such a beautiful place, but I'm not a city girl, and I very much miss trees and streams and rivers.
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