Friday, March 7, 2008

Fri, Mar 7, 2008: It's Been a While...

((Present Day: You know the more blogs I post, the more I just have to step back, look at the circular nature of my life, and smile. I went through a breakup sort of around the same time last year... but that time I had my move to Golden and a trip back to Connecticut to distract me. Finding these patterns in time has been really interesting... somewhat informative... and I look forward to the possibility of growing within and beyond them.

Also, I'm not sure I could ever give up on "we"... it's a constant hope and the mere thought of it gives me butterflies in my heart. I do think that one big difference between now and years past is that I'm not at all willing to give up or compromise on "me". And as far as I'm concerned, that's the way it should be)).

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So... it's not that I haven't been doing anything lately, but that the things I've been doing have been with another person. Well, multiple other people actually. I've been spending time with friends and getting into a new groove in my new setting.

And I finally met a guy out here who I like. We've been spending some time together, and I wanted to write a post about our road trip a couple of weekends ago to Steamboat and Glenwood Springs. As I began writing, I found myself completely weirded out by my use of the word "we"... as in, "we walked through town" or "we wandered down a narrow icy road".

Why does that word freak me out? It used to delight me beyond belief and I sought it oblivious to most other things entering my space. I think that it may be partly due to the fact that I finally defined what my space is. Somewhere along this crazy line of chaos and upheaval, some piece of myself fell solidly into place. I think that another reason why it freaks me out is that I finally gave up on "we". I finally told the universe that I'm tired of fighting with it and that I don't want to care anymore about finding love, because I have found that I can be peaceful and happy and complete just as I am, by myself. Part of me recoiled at this and declared, "blasphemy!! Take that back!!". The other part of me replied, "no, you know it's true", and the horrified part of me had to grudgingly agree.

So that's my life lately, and now I am learning this strange new lesson of balancing my powerful need for independence with letting someone in and letting go of control. I'm not ready right now, but I'm not worried about it because this is all very new, and because I know that I will always be ok even if it doesn't work out. That offers me a greater sense of security than anything I have thus far encountered in my life.